KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox She regrets decision to marry

Dear Annie: My fiance and I have known each other for seven months. Two weeks before he proposed, my mother died by suicide. I thought he picked a rather inappropriate time to ask me to marry him, but I was still numb from the tragedy, and he convinced me it was the right thing to do. He talked about how much better it would be for me to move out of my parents' home, where my mom's death occurred.
I have since had second thoughts and am regretting my decision. I am 24 years old, with a college degree and a good job. He is 31, inconsiderate and disrespectful, and his horrible credit rating is destroying mine. Our new $300,000 house and the new car he bought are in my name. Even if I wanted to leave him, I could not afford all of this on my own. When it comes to handling our bills, he is totally immature. I have to remind him constantly to pay his share of the mortgage. Also, he has never said a kind word about my mother. He will not permit me to display any pictures of her in our house. He says it's maudlin.
I feel trapped. All of my friends tell me to get out of this relationship, but it's hard when he threatens to crash the new car and burn the house down. He's not kidding, either. Any advice? Sleeping with the Enemy in Colorado
Dear Colorado: Your fiance sounds like a potential abuser, and you need to get out of this relationship now. Talk to a lawyer about disentangling your finances from his. You may need to sell the house and the car, or put them in his name. If he threatens to hurt you in any way, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (800-799-7233) (TTY: 800-787-3224) (www.ndvh.org), and ask for help in removing yourself physically from this volatile situation.
Dear Annie: My wife, "Linda," was born in Nebraska 30 years ago and put up for adoption at birth. A wonderful couple took her in and raised her to become the lovely woman I fell in love with. We now have two children of our own.
Linda always wondered why her birth mother gave her up, so a few years ago, she did a search through her original adoption agency. The agency located her birth mother, but informed Linda that the woman does not wish to have any contact with us. This upset Linda, and she hasn't been the same since.
The adoption laws protect the birth mother and mostly ignore the rights of the child. If the right people read this, maybe things will change while all the parties involved are still alive. Montreal, Canada
Dear Montreal: The adoption laws are not the problem here. The birth mother was informed that her biological daughter was searching for her, and if she wished to initiate contact, no one prevented her from doing so. Linda may not like it, but her birth mother has the right to maintain her privacy. Sad to say, not all anticipated reunions turn out well.
Your wife is entitled to her medical history, and the birth mother should provide this. Linda cannot, however, demand a relationship, no matter how much she believes her birth mother "owes" it to her. Since Linda cannot get past this huge disappointment, please urge her to seek professional help.
Dear Annie: My boyfriend and I have decided to elope after 10 years together. I would like to let my family know about the marriage, but I am not sure how to go about it. Are announcements OK? Clueless in Illinois
Dear Clueless: Yes, announcements are perfectly proper, although your immediate family members (mothers, fathers, siblings) should be informed in person.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@attbi.com, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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