DIANE MAKAR MURPHY Bigfoot in Boardman? Maybe it's just the medicine

It is when my holiday do-list is untouched and I HAVE to have a column written that I truly appreciate Sgt. 1st Class Frank Anderson's point of view. Anderson was a guy I knew when I worked in the public information office during my tour of duty with the Army.
Anderson was just shy of being a Sgt. Bilko -- an operator, a finagler -- with none of Bilko's charm. A month before he was slated to retire, he spent the afternoon running down the number of the National Enquirer. Then he called them from the office and asked, "How's a guy go about getting a job writing for you?"
I was appalled; I personally would prefer The Star, Weekly World News or Globe, which are much more inventive tabloids.
What if?
If, for example, I worked for a tabloid, I would not be sweating over today's column (the last of the season before I take a much needed vacation). I would not be frantic that I have been sick for basically six weeks, fighting off colds and sinus infections, one after the other.
I wouldn't be stressed that my brain is down to one burner (when I probably had only two to begin with), or that the Guifsanafedamoxicillitylenolactistuff is keeping me from opening both eyelids at once.
I wouldn't be dragging a Kleenex box and a Giant Eagle shopping bag filled with used tissues from room to room whining, & quot;My sinuses hurt. What can I write about? & quot;
And I certainly wouldn't be labeled & quot;testy & quot; by each person who enters my writing room with some bit of holiday cheer.
& quot;Di, do you want to go Christmas shopping today? & quot;
& quot;SSSSHHH!! & quot;
& quot;Can I get you a cup of tea, honey? & quot;
& quot;GET OUT! Don't you see I'm CREATING?! & quot; I shout staring at a completely blank computer screen. & quot;I can't think! Can't you see that I can't think? I almost had half a sentence; now ALL I'll ever almost have is half a sentence! & quot;
Creativity
If I worked for a tabloid, I wouldn't be yelling at my kids and spouse; I'd be inviting them into the room.
& quot;Sure, sure, come on in. Sit down. So, Josh... what do YOU think happens next? After George W. has Christmas dinner with Bigfoot? & quot;
& quot;Oprah is always good. & quot;
& quot;A bit hackneyed. & quot;
& quot;YOU mentioned Bigfoot... & quot;
& quot;Maybe Rosie O'Donnell?"
I would be writing:
Al Gore Rejects 2004 Run After Message from Aliens! Gore, thought to be a presidential hopeful for the 2004 election, was abducted by little green men yesterday who objected to his invention of the Internet. After his return, he appeared on "Saturday Night Live," then told several people at "60 Minutes," including a janitor, a security guard and Lesley Stahl, that he would not run for president.
Former Congressman Gets Strange Visitor! Former Congressman and current felon James Traficant was stunned to receive a visit from the Batboy. & quot;I have followed this case from the beginning, and I think the FBI framed Jim," the Vulcan-eared creature remarked.
Headlines galore
I could turn out these stories like Stephen King turns out novels:
UAbominable Snowman Spotted in Mill Creek Park!
UVince Bevacqua Caught in Love Triangle with Ghost of Princess Di.
UImage of Elvis Forms in Cereal Bowl of E. Liverpool Woman.
UTree Lighting in Downtown Youngstown Causes Power Outage in Hong Kong.
USanta Claus REAL; Lives in Boardman.
UWoman Loses 500 Pounds Eating Halushka.
UButler Museum's Holiday Haunting.
UAntonio and Melanie Rendezvous in Struthers.
& quot;Hey Di, can we go Christmas shopping now? & quot;
& quot;Ssssh! Can't you see I'm creating?"
murphy@vindy.com