EMOTIONAL HEALTH Loved one's death can darken the mood of a festive season

Friends and family should let the bereaved talk about the deceased.
By LARRY GIERER
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
PHENIX CITY, Ala. -- The Christmas letter was from her son, Josh.
In it, he told his mother, Suzanne Socha, how he was at peace in heaven.
"That made Christmas a little easier," she said.
It was the first yuletide without her eldest child, who died Nov. 10, 2000.
"Special occasions without a loved one are always hard, and the first ones are the toughest," she said.
Her husband, Gary, actually penned the thoughtful note two years ago. They had a tree and gave each other gifts from Josh. The Phenix City couple also went on a long-needed vacation the day after Christmas.
"For us, that year, it was the thing to do," Gary said. "It was what we had to do. There's no rule book on how to handle grief. Everyone does it differently."
That is something strongly emphasized by Kibby Taylor, the bereavement coordinator at Columbus (Ga.) Hospice.
"Friends and family have to realize," said Taylor, "that what works for one during the holidays doesn't work for everybody. Grief is as unique as a fingerprint."
Members of Columbus Hospice, a United Way agency, spent many hours with Josh in his final days. "I don't know what we would have done without them," Suzanne said.
Josh's death
Josh died in his mother's arms on a Friday morning just eight days after his 21st birthday. The family had gathered around his bed the night before and prayed. They told him then it was OK to go.
He had already lived almost a decade longer than doctors had predicted.
Born with a rare terminal genetic disorder called Hunter Syndrome, he was never able to speak full sentences. He was never potty-trained.
He was hard of hearing and in later years couldn't walk. He had an enlarged heart, liver and spleen.
"He never went through puberty," Suzanne said. "When he was 21, he was still a baby. He needed constant care."
"He lasted that long because he had a great mother," Gary said. "There may be children who have been loved as much as Josh, but never one more."
Getting used to it
Gary, Suzanne and their daughter, Abby, three years younger than her brother, had to adjust to Josh's absence.
"At Thanksgiving," said Gary, a football coach at Central High, "it was a little different than in some homes. While Josh was missed, it wasn't like there was an empty chair at the table. He hadn't been able to sit there. It wasn't as terrible as we feared."
And unlike some who grieve, the Socha family wanted to talk to friends and family about Josh. They wanted to talk about the good times before he became terribly ill.
"When in doubt," said Taylor, "friends and family should ask the person whether they want to talk about the one lost. Friends should tell them that they want to be sympathetic and tell them what works for you is what we'll do."
She said 99 percent will want to talk about the person. "They don't," said Taylor, "want to pretend the person vanished, never lived."
Friends and family should emphasize the happy times and moments that made the loved one "special."
What to avoid
Things friends and family shouldn't say include:
U"You've still got the rest of us."
U"Cheer up. It could be worse."
U"It's been a year, so it's time to move on."
U"Come on, it's Christmas and you should be happy."
Taylor said some people might want to get away for the holiday. Others will stay home but may want to do something different.
"They may want to make some adjustments," she said. "If it's a mother who's used to cooking the big meal, she may want someone else to do it. If they don't feel like being festive, give them the right not to be. Don't try to pressure the person."
"You always feel the loss," said Suzanne, an administrative assistant at Doctors Hospital, "but it does get better with time. Still, it is a change. It can be a time -- it is for us -- to start new holiday traditions."
As for the person grieving, Taylor said they must "listen to their own heart and trust that judgment."