AUSTINTOWN As wife No. 2, woman didn't like control factor in Islamic husband

In Islam, men are allowed as many as four wives, if they can treat them equally.
By MARALINE KUBIK
VINDICATOR STAFF WRITER
he groom already had one wife, but the bride didn't care. The idea of sharing a husband intrigued her.
She was a single mom, struggling to bring up two kids. He was a taxi driver who'd come to the United States from Lebanon.
They met when she called a cab to make her weekly trip to the grocery store. On her limited income, she couldn't afford her own car.
"He was the perfect gentleman. He carried my groceries, opened my door," she said. From then on, the same driver took all her calls. Before long, he offered to fix little things in her apartment. Then, they started stopping for coffee. The conversation was always about her and her children.
"It never dawned on me that he was interested in me. I thought he was just a nice guy. I wasn't interested in him, so I didn't ask about his life," said Katie Smith.
Her background: Smith -- not her real name -- graduated from Austintown Fitch High School in 1980 and married young. Her husband was an alcoholic who became increasingly abusive.
When he began threatening their children, Smith left. She moved hundreds of miles away, hoping to start fresh.
Six months after Smith met the cabdriver, he asked her to dinner and a movie. Their first date was the first time she asked about his life, the first time she heard about his wife.
As a Muslim, he could have as many as four wives if he could afford them, he said.
"I was intrigued by his honesty and I like finding out about different cultures," Smith said, so she continued seeing him socially. "We always went somewhere out in public -- to restaurants or movies." A few months later, he brought his three children to meet her. They ranged in age from 2 to 7. Her kids were 10 and 12.
Weeks later, he invited her to meet his wife. "I was curious. I knew her lifestyle was much different than mine," Smith said.
Restricted wife: The cabdriver and his family had come to the United States just a few years earlier, and his wife abided by strict cultural rules that mandated she cover her hair and dress in shapeless garments that covered her entire body.
She also wasn't allowed to leave the house unescorted and had little say about household decisions.
Smith realizes now that her cabdriver was thinking about marrying her then. "He wanted me to meet his wife to make sure I fit in."
As she and the cabdriver grew closer, Smith became more interested in Islam and gradually accepted some of the concepts that were at first very foreign to a woman who'd been brought up Catholic.
Eventually, Smith and the cabdriver decided to take their relationship to a more intimate level.
But because he was faithful to his religion's teachings and did not believe in sex without marriage, he insisted that they be married.
They talked about it a lot: what would be expected of each partner and what each could expect.
Islamic doctrine stipulates that men with more than one wife treat each wife equally, providing the same standard of living for each and spending equal amounts of time with each.
That appealed to Smith. After being on her own so long, she wasn't eager to have a husband who would be there full time.
The couple also agreed that she would not be required to wear the traditional, ultra-conservative garments of wife No. 1, but would continue to dress in the manner to which she was accustomed.
"I always wore skirts and dresses down to my ankles. That's what attracted him to me," she said.
Smith still prefers long, loose-fitting dresses to pants, wears little makeup and combs her short, sandy hair straight. Colorful earrings are the only thing remotely flashy about her appearance.
What happened: After Smith agreed to marry her cabdriver, he moved her and her children to an apartment near his home with wife No. 1. Then, Smith said, he told her one morning that they were getting married that day.
He told her how to prepare by showering and removing all of the hair from her body except her head. He would also shower and trim the hair on his body.
Cleansing rituals are common throughout Islam, but vary from sect to sect and community to community.
Later that day the couple met a religious leader from the local mosque who married them in a ceremony that Smith said lasted only a few minutes. "He spoke in Arabic and I have no clue as to what he said," she recalled.
Because polygamy is illegal in the United States, there was no marriage license, no legal document proving they were married.
Smith's family, which still lives in Youngstown, met her husband but doesnot know the details of the relationship.
"My mother thinks he's gorgeous, but she doesn't know he's married or that I married him. She'd think I was crazy if I told her I married a man who already had a wife," Smith said.
Her husband was always "immaculate about his look," she said.
Although it is rare for Islamic men to have more than one wife, even in Islamic countries, it does occur, and on occasion men have abused the practice, allowing their wives to support them, said Dawud Abdullah, a religious leader at the Youngstown Islamic Center.
When a man takes a second wife, religious leaders in the U.S. advise wife No. 2 to protect her financial security, Abdullah said.
The woman may stipulate in her marriage contract that her husband provide her with a home in her own name and an insurance policy that would provide support should he die.
In America, Abdullah noted, wife No. 2 would not be entitled to her husband's property. Wife No. 1, the only spouse recognized by law, would inherit everything.
Some women stipulate in their marriage contracts that their husbands not take second wives, Abdullah added.
Smith, who was accustomed to supporting herself, was not deterred by the fact that wife No. 1 would retain all spousal rights. She even declined much of the support her husband offered.
How things went: For the first month, the arrangement worked. Then, Smith's new husband gradually became more controlling.
He bought her -- and himself -- pagers and insisted that she page him every time she left the house. If he paged her and she didn't call him immediately, he became extremely angry.
He also started showing up when she'd meet her friends at a local eatery. "At first I was flattered. I thought he wanted to say hello," Smith said. "But then I realized he was checking on me."
Then, he insisted she stop meeting her friends -- he didn't think it proper for a married woman to be out socializing. He also expressed displeasure with her commitment to finish her college education.
Such treatment is not universal among Muslims, Abdullah said. Many believe women and men are equally capable of making decisions.
Women are free to do as they choose, be educated, pursue careers. Some believe educating two daughters guarantees the parents paradise, he added.
However, unlike Muslim men who are expected to provide for their wives and children, Abdullah said, Muslim women are under no obligation to use their earnings for household expenses.
Smith's husband didn't put much faith in her ability to make decisions. He had to have the final word on everything.
"Everything was for my safety and the children's safety, according to him. That's why we needed all these rules," she said, fuming.
Referring to wife No. 1, Smith said, "He was trying to get me to the point where I was like her and couldn't go out of the house." Smith knew how controlling he was with wife No. 1, but didn't believe he would behave that way with her.
"We had made an agreement and I thought he would honor it," she said.
After a year and half, Smith told her husband she wanted a divorce. At first he wouldn't agree.
"He was very upset and cried a lot," she said. "He thought I wasn't thinking straight and that my friends were influencing me."
Once he finally agreed, the divorce was as swift as the wedding. Afterward, she said, they didn't speak for a year. Then a chance meeting rekindled their friendship.
"We've been divorced five years," Smith said, "and we're still friends. I'm still in the apartment he put me in, and he still comes over to see how I'm doing. He still wants to get back together."
She refuses to remarry him, and he won't consider marrying anyone else.
"He said that I drove him crazy," Smith said, "and that he would never marry a second wife again -- unless it's me.
"I still love him," she added. "I'll always love him, and I understand the controlling; it's his belief. I just can't live that way."
Although Smith and her ex-husband see each other often, she dates regularly -- mostly younger men who aren't looking for an exclusive relationship.
She likes her freedom and having fun, though money is tight. She works as a nanny but she has control of her life and the ability to direct her future.
kubik@vindy.com