KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox New information on STD testing is available

Dear Annie: I am a 41-year-old female, recently divorced after a monogamous 18-year marriage, and I have herpes. My ex-husband had it before we met, and I contracted it from him years ago. We mistakenly believed it would not be transmitted if we abstained from sex or used a condom during a suspected outbreak. We were wrong.
I have learned a lot about this disease, including the fact that a large number of adults have it and don't know it. Now that I am back in the dating world, I had myself tested for STDs in order to start out with the full knowledge of my sexual health status -- which brings me to the reason I am writing.
My doctor told me that one test would cover almost everything, including HIV, but it would not test for herpes. I had to push my doctor into telling me that I would need a separate test to determine if I'd been exposed to herpes. Not one of my friends knew that a different test was required.
Would you please find out why the medical community does not advise people that they also must have a specific herpes test in order to screen for that as well as other STDs? Dating Dilemma in Boston
Dear Boston: According to the American Social Health Association, many Americans assume they are tested for STDs as part of routine medical care when, in fact, they are not. We were surprised to learn that in some instances, even when patients request testing for STDs, they aren't checked for all of the most frequent infections -- including herpes. For more information, check out ASHA's new consumer guide to STD testing, available on their website, www.ashastd.org.
Dear Annie: I dated "Jerry" for seven years, and recently, he broke up with me. Jerry is a truck driver and seems to change jobs a couple of times a year. Every time that happens, we break up for two or three months, but we always seem to find our way back to each other. When we are alone, it is wonderful. However, when the kids or family members get involved, it simply falls apart.
I know this kind of up-and-down relationship is neither healthy nor good for either one of us. My problem is letting go. I still love him and am afraid I'll never see him again.
This is not my first relationship. I've even been married before. But this is the first time I've been so affected. How can I get over him? Fist Full of Love
Dear Fist Full: It takes time to get over a breakup, especially since you dated Jerry for seven years, and experience says he could come back to you. But you must accept that this relationship has never been stable and you probably are better off.
Call a couple of girlfriends and go somewhere fun. Read a good book with a cup of hot tea. Rent a romantic movie and have a good cry. Fill your evenings and weekends with activities that keep your mind and body occupied, and eventually, you'll find that life without him is getting a little easier.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Modern Prude," the 30-something guy who is looking for a virginal female to marry. It looks like another fellow has been snared by the "Male Myth" - the one that says men should sow their wild oats and there will always be a virgin to marry.
This fellow uses code words like "getting ready to settle down." This suggests he has gotten around plenty. And now he expects to find a woman Mama would be proud of? Get real, Buddy, you can't have it both ways. Annie, your advice hit the nail on the head. Steve
Dear Steve: The 30-something men who expect to marry virgins tend to be the same ones who work overtime to make sure there are few left. Thanks for the backup.
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